What I Did This Summer

A.K.A. DO I Know What I Did This Summer......


Much like in grade school when your teacher would make you do a show & tell of your summertime antics, its time to reflect back on the season. Admittedly I didnt go anywhere MEGA interesting like Africa or as remote as Minneapolis, become a hardcore mountain-biking athlete, or have a major life event this summer, but events over the last few months have definately had (I think) profound effects on me that I am still not so sure about myself.

Yes I know many of you are thinking that summer was over a while ago, but remember my perspective growing up in South Florida where it doesnt get cool until maybe November. So in the ever muddling of my life B.D.C. and A.D.C. (before and after moving to D.C.), I attempt to find a middle ground. And thus it has been this summer - where is MY middle ground?

A month ago I started thinking of this with an unfinished post that went like this:

"A Tough Pill To Swallow

Its been a hard week the one after my birthday. I guess I wrangle with a few things on this page everytime I open it. Mainly how much of my personal life is too much for this very (potentially) public blog. I mean its not like I have drunken nights full of debauchery and I am not writing about college style exploits here."

Why I never finished that - well I am not sure if I am ready to share that, but I was feeling in a very low place, and feeling very confused about many things (even possibly a little betrayed), plus I am positive I made some bad choices also. But it did get me on the track to thinking - even if the thoughts have barely left the train station yet.

But I have been trying to think what defines the middle ground - my standards - someone else's?

Examples:


- Most people my age are generally married - and getting on with that stage of thier lives. Am I ready for that? Who knows (I thought I was 2 yrs ago). So its either single, coupled or married

- How does your job define your middle ground? satifaction vs compensation...

- Friends and Family time....

- Bieng a giver and bieng a taker: This is a tough one - really. I have always been a giver, constantly putting other peoples needs over my own. But I look back and I consider how much is too much (and I am not just talking about monetary/physical things). In many ways I have given of myself, let others take credit, and (yes as strangely as it seems) stood in the background, just about always refusing help from others.

But something has changed - I'm not sure I like the difference it has manifested - I feel dirty when I take (I mean I have never asked for help in moving, yet always help everyone else). I "think" I try to balance it now, but then guilt sets in, especially with my friends and family.

So how much is too much? I dont know - it's just one of the cars on that train thats just leaving the station. One thing that I know... one area that I still give, give, give - is the romance department - but thats a total failure. Seems that I overinvest in those I am interested in, then of course Viola- my heart hurts to no avail. Gosh am I stupid for letting these things happen.

Someone please give me a freaking clue cause I have none.....

Which brings me to all these pictures - and something touched upon before on an earlier post. Once again hounding me is the same general thoughts - its just this time it has catchy initials: WDYDWYD and is a two edged sword into my soul. Why Do You Do What You Do? is a pretty simple concept, in describing yourself in simple terms. Then I see this second picture.... same initials, and cuts into the deep of it.

Coupled with the pictures here as just a sample, it is a powerful question in its simplicity. I have been looking at them and pondering since I saw them from my variuos friends who went to Burning Man. It's impact strengthens that questioning I have been doing lately. But for now - its a different post .....


To be Continued.........